ego

There are moments in life when you realize you've lived fully and deeply for the satisfaction of your ego. It is a feeling of loss and grief, at knowing you've prevented your soul from reaching the extent of its abilities. You've lost Love, as you've traded it in for mediocrity. This is a sad moment, and it is only through this realization that you can move away from ego and into the arms of All, Love, One, Spirit.

So, then, it is a happy moment, too.

ipr.

when one life ends, and another takes over, what is to be made of those left
behind? sullenly trekking forward in an abyss of pain.

what is to be made of those whose every breath is laboured, as their hearts are
tearing at the injustice of their plight. the living are too often deemed lucky, while
the dead’s fortune is regarded with pity. but, what is to be made of those left
behind, whose aches lead to deafening cries and silent torture?

to have loved and lossed, and regained with another. what of that?

in memory, 11.08.05. forever loved, never forgotten.

xO, gh.

calm before the storm.

Today is Wednesday. Thursday I receive a take-home final exam that is essentially a 15-20 page essay for IS 451. I have 7 days to write it. As soon as I hand that in, I have to begin cramming for my History and French finals. Finals end on the 21st. During this period, I still have work and volunteering to think about.

I have all of this going on in the next 2 weeks, however nothing is making me as distraught as my grandparents' departure. Due to my shitty blogging efforts, I haven't mentioned that my grandparents have been visiting from Germany for the last 2 months. They leave on the 15th, and I am experiencing intense anxiety over it. I love them far more than is necessary for a grandchild to love her grandparents. It's depressing that I've only seen them a handful of times in my life. This is the downfall of living in the "most liveable city in the world".

My dad moved us here with good intentions, as he believed (and still believes to this day), that of all the cities he's lived in during his lifetime, Vancouver is the best place to raise a family (aside from Kabul, of course). Thus, we've been subjected to living a life that is quite empty of family members.

It's just the 4 of us here. And it sucks. Sure, it sucks for Eva and I having to say goodbye to various members of our family after the rare times we see them. However, it sucks on a whole other level for my mom and dad. They're far away from everyone they care about, including my mom's grandchild and son. Although my mom frequently complains about this misfortune, my dad is determined to hold his ground in support of living here.

If it were up to me, I'd pick up and leave for Germany tomorrow. I can't do this of course, because my dad is far too stubborn to ever admit that he made a mistake in moving us here and agree to leave. Also, it's been about 15 years now since we left Toronto for Vancouver. In all honesty though, Eva and I have established ourselves here in ways that would be difficult to turn away from. University, friends, memories... it's tough.

I wish my grandparents would never have to leave. They are such special people and I love seeing their welcoming smiles each time I come home from a long, stressful day. I think a part of this anxiety stems from the fact that both of them are unwell and time is unfortunately limited. If I'd know for sure that they'd return at least 10 more times in my life time, I'd be far more content.

On top of them leaving, there are still those finals to worry about. This instant is the calm before the storm that is semester-end. However, after finals are over I FINALLY get to have some time to myself. And that time is not the measly 2.5 weeks we get in between semesters... I get a full FOUR MONTHS (aka the entire semester) to not worry about school AND work AND volunteer work AND the rest of life. For the first time since I've started university, I'm only taking one class (which is a distance education course), and spending the rest of my time working part time and exploring Vancouver! I can't even explain how much I'm looking forward to this summer. I want to go camping, hiking, road tripping. I want to exercise and eat healthy. I want to go out on weekends and not worry about finals or papers. I need this break.

Anywho, that's all she said for now.

gh, xO

it's empty in the valley of your heart.

lately, i feel lost.

last semester i conquered the shit out of school... straight A's, happy days, good profs, etc. this semester... not so much.

i'm beginning to feel like i could be doing greater things than what i am doing... there was a time when i'd tell myself that if my soul or the universe were to guide me in a certain direction, i wouldn't dare refute my destiny and ignore those little tugs at my heart by continuing on the path i was on. currently, this path is one that has been far-too-frequently trotted... i'll call this path "The Norm Way".

currently, it is 4:40 pm on a thursday afternoon. this means that i should be in French 122, sitting through a two hour class where we distinguish between the uses of the passe compose and the imparfait. merci beacoup, mais no thanks. i'm over the repetitive bullshit that we are taught in school... really, i'm over it. and that's a scary mother fucking thought, because i still have another year of school to go.

now, i'm at a crossroads... to take a semester off and fly to an unknown destination, or to sit here with eyes glazed over and read books detailed with jargon and futility? that, is the the question.

HMMMMMMMM...

i'm beginning to feel like i need to be searching for something greater... something that can make me feel excited about life again. but where and what that something is, i do not know. that, too, is a scary thought.

gh, xO

2011

I haven't written in over a month; I'm thinking it's mostly because I haven't had finals and papers to distract myself from. Also, it's been a busy month. So much has happened and changed. I went to California for Christmas, one of my aunts was put on and off of life support, a great uncle of mine passed away (God rest his soul), and the spring semester began. It's crazy to think how time is so fleeting, yet a single second can drastically alter a person's life. I had an epiphanic moment that resulted in my understanding of ancient teachings that this complex world has one simplistic yet interesting feature, and that is that it can be controlled by your mind. What you're thinking and putting out into the universe as thought and meaning comes back to you as reality. 2011 is the first year of the rest of my life. I am so grateful for the love, happiness, health, comfort, passion, knowledge, friendship, kindness, reward, etc. in my life. Tomorrow and the day after and forever will consist of these virtues and more. A new year brings with it change and love.

gh, xO

man

Hi.

Again, I should be writing a 12 page paper at the moment. I think it's very telling of my procrastination habits that I typically choose to blog at a time when I SHOULD be doing school work. Regardless, I'm writing something, so that's a good thing, right?

Before procrastinating on blogspot.com, I was searching John Mayer interviews on Youtube... sad, I know. I just cannot get enough of the guy. He writes his own lyrics (which, when a 30-something year old writes music that can actually make a girl cry, that's beyond art... it's magic), he is incredibly talented at both guitar and singing, his beauty is unconventional in that he doesn't have rock-hard abs and a fake, gleaming smile (but rather an old school sorta handsomeness). Really, he is amazing. I went to his concert in Vancouver on April 1st and was saddened by the shiteousness of my seat (super far from the stage; had to squint to see John), yet was awed by his ability to perform flawlessly live. So I'm standing and singing along, when an elderly fan and his wife turn to me and offer me two tickets to the front row (his friends whose tickets he was holding were unable to show up, and the bass was too loud for him and his wife up there), so low and behold, I walked (well, stumbled in amazement... and no, this was not an April Fool's Day prank) to the stage with one of my best friends at my side, and we got to stand in the front row. I could not believe that what I was hoping for, for once, came true. And to top it all off, at the end of an amazing guitar solo, I'm about 99% certain I made eye contact with the man himself, who slightly nodded, as I flamboyantly clapped and exalted "amazing, amazing, amazing!" It was the most incredible concert experience I've ever had, and I could not be more grateful for that old man with pink earplugs who gave me his tickets!

So in my pursuit to better understand and know John Mayer through Youtube, I ultimately came to the realization that these interviews are mere smidgens of who John Mayer really must be. His music and lyrics are poetic and passionate in nature, which are telling of his personality in the most personal sense. Contrastingly, in his interviews I've noticed that he portrays a slightly different version of himself in each one, depending on the interviewer, setting, and so forth. This had led me to the conclusion that John Mayer, the real man behind the interviews, tabloids and gossip blogs, is simply a man. A man whose unsurmountable talent has led him to be thrown, face first, into an abyss of media and hollywood clamour, where he is berated by the public for leading a life as any man would. I, as a true fan, will continue to ignore any negative press about John Mayer as the futility of it all is truly insulting. He is a man.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough about John Mayer. It's time to return to my paper where I contend that our world is facing a food crisis and the international community is doing shit all about it.

gh, xO

The PLIGHT of Capitalism - :O

I guess maintaining a blog is far more strenuous a task than I'd initially perceived. That, or I've just been lazy about it. Regardless, I am BACK. I recently found and read an old diary that I'd written in for some time back in 2005, and it inspired me to begin writing on a regular basis again.

Hmm.. where to begin? For starters, I'll mention that I really should be writing my sociology research paper at the moment. It's for my Global Issues in Capitalism class, which has definitely been the most interesting and rewarding class I've taken in my academic career thus far. This class allows students to learn about the implications of capitalism on a global level, by focusing on a specific topic each week, such as the environment, health, and so forth. I firmly believe that all post secondary institutions should make such a class mandatory. I feel that it is becoming increasingly vital for students to break free of the capitalist mindset, and to come to the realization that this system just isn't working. Ha, could you imagine students of Texas University taking an anti-capitalism class? It would be a riot!

As much as I'd like to sugarcoat my advocacy of sociology 302 by claiming that it was this class led me to an epiphany on the plights of capitalism, I'd rather truthfully admit that I've seen a major problem with this socioeconomic system since I was a kid. The cause for this may be my upbringing by refugee parents who emigrated from a country where the Cold War's devastating effects took a front and centre seat, or it may be a result of my constant search for a higher truth. Regardless of the causes, I know that my ability to question all that our world perceives to be the "truth" has allowed me to discover reality -- beyond what our leaders, mainstream media, or others in hierarchical positions tell us we should believe to be real. And sometimes reading and knowing what I do becomes exhaustingly lonely, because really, how do you tell a friend or a date or a teacher that everything they believe in is in one way or another, a complete and utter farce.

My periodic feelings of helplessness have made me become a greater believer that if people become even slightly removed from this manufactured reality that I call "life within capitalism", then maybe I can begin to feel less lonely. Or even better, maybe our world can begin to become less destructive and people can become less self-serving. Call me an idealist, but realism is just not working for me.

Anyway, I've gone on far too long a rant. I'll end this post with a clip that includes an animation of a speech by Mr. David Harvey (the social theorist, not the geographer). He, too, seems to believe that capitalism is less of what we need.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOP2V_np2c0

gh, xO